Saturday, October 30, 2010

My Dad and what he has to say!


 My Dad sent this to me. This is his last year since my diagnosis!



My Journey

It has now been a year since John found about the cancer. As John’s dad, I’ve wanted to tell my story and now is that time. This is my journey of the past year and what I learned.

The first thing that hits me is disbelief and shock. It was the worst day of my life. We immediately drive to London, as if in a trance, not saying much, trying to maintain some kind of concentration so I can drive. As I drive I ask God to trade the cancer from John to me. If only it was that simple. When me meet in London, of course it is very emotional. Everything is a blur; we don’t know what to say how to act. Tears run freely. There is still the “can’t believe its happening to us”.  We spend a couple hours passing time with the kids, talking pretending we are all ok, and tomorrow we will wake up and this will all be a dream.

Bryan and Brenda show up and the tears flow once again. They have treated John like a son and I think about what they must be going through. I constantly think about Jen too. What will she do, how will she cope, what will happen. The girls, Marissa and Mikayla, they play and continue to be kids; seemingly oblivious to the seriousness of the moment. (But I wonder if they know something is wrong) How will they grow up without a daddy? They are so small. Will they remember John?
One fearful thought after another runs through my head.

We have dinner and after, we go to Mark and Jen’s. Mark is not home but John relays his diagnosis to Jen, who stares in disbelief and shock. When Mark comes home he is told and the same disbelief and shock registers with him. We stay for a while and as we are ready to leave, Mark breaks down and cries inconsolably.  My sorrow is overwhelming. I know how close these brothers are and the fear that he must be going through too. I realize as a father how helpless I am to protect my children from this insidious disease.

We return to John’s and spend the night. I awaken the next day, and hope that I just had a bad dream, but reality begins to sink in and I feel the same fear and hopelessness from the day before. 

The days begin to pass, and news of John’s diagnosis trickles out to the world. Support comes in to him from all over. His friends at work, in his community, my relatives, Jen’s relatives, our friends begin to pray and offer assistance. There is a genuine concern for John, his family and us. If any of you have read John’s blogs you know how much it meant to him and Jen. It meant just as much to Linda and I.


As time passes we become educated on his cancer, and start to realize that there is hope and this is not necessarily a death sentence. John reaches out to the cancer community. He gets help from cancer patients with the same diagnosis as him. He joins cancer groups and goes to meetings and therapy. John asks Linda to go with him to his chemotherapy treatment. She goes and I go to the next one, Jolaine his sister and Mark his brother all have turns. It is an education and a privilege to be with him when he receives the treatments. It is a time spent in support of him and what he is going through.

Slowly, and assuredly I see a change of energy in all of us but most of all in John.

Out of this black moment in our history there is a gift. A gift about life, pride, and gratitude. I see a baby we brought home from the hospital many years ago. I see a boy growing up and going through the fun of boyhood, the continued growth into the teenage years and trials and tribulations of being a young man. Getting married and starting a family of his own. The circle of life. I never dreamt he would have to endure what he has gone through. As a father you always want the best for your kids, but I believe the tests, the lessons and what we are made of are learned through trial and hardship. As parents we have to have the courage to let them make their own mistakes, to let them fall down and hopefully we have influenced them enough so they will get back up and continue their journey.

When I see how John conducted himself through this, my heart swells with pride, that I may have played some small part in the man he is today. How bravely he has faced his fears. But most of all, it is not what I taught him, it is what he taught me.

I would like to thank everyone who supported John on his road to recovery. A special thanks to Bryan and Brenda (John’s inlaws) for all their support. The doctors and nurses at the cancer clinic. Current and former cancer patients.Thanks to our friends and families; John’s brothers and sister and their spouses, my brothers, my cousins, especially Chico and Colleen. The friends John works with, chipped in and bought him a big screen TV to watch while he was recuperating from his chemotherapy. Jen’s family and friends, who were offering support to babysit, send over meals or just sit and listen. If I forgot anyone I apologize. There are so many to thank.

I am writing this for my own healing and what I have endured. It is about how precious my family and friends are to me.

A greatful, loving and caring dad.


Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Cancerversary!

   Well It is one year since I found out about my cancer tomorrow. I remember the doctor coming into the room and telling me it wasn't good. I thought at that moment I wouldn't be here writing this now. Then a funny thing happen along the way, I learned about my cancer and decided I need to beat this because I love my life. Besides I have these 3 girls my wife, and 2 daughters that are counting on me. I can honestly say I feel healthier, happier and stronger then I ever have. I've become a bit more modest of my future... I tend not to look to far ahead anymore. One day at a time! I feel lucky for all that I have. I'm not angry that this has happen to me, I've accepted it and changed my life to deal better and beat this stupid cancer. I am a cancer survivor for one year and now working on my second. Some days I'm still scared. I wonder if it will return or if I'm done with it. Oddly though my life feels normal, much like it used to. I feel blessed to have the family and friends I have, you've made my survival so much easier. Special thanks to my parents and in laws for taking caring of me when I couldn't.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 I've been a busy boy the last month or so. I spent a week up north with a friend from work at his cottage. We spent a couple of days with him and his wife and little girl. Then we stayed alone as a family for the rest of the week because my friend had to return to London for a wedding. We stayed on Baptiste lake which holds a  special place in my heart. My parents brought us there 2 weeks every summer for over 20 years. I have a lot of amazing memories there and it was nice to see my girls enjoying the cottage and lake so much. At the beginning of the month we did a camping weekend with my parents,sister and family,brother and family. It was soooooooooooooooo much fun the girls love to hang with there cousins. I also spent a week in Vancouver visiting my brother. It was great fun to visit such an amazing place with my sister who was along for the trip also. It went fast but was well worth it. The west coast lifestyle was very different and the views of the mountains were awesome. Thanks to Terry and Pauline who had us for dinner in there lovely home in Surrey. We hope your health is improving quickly for both of you. At the end of the summer we camped at the KOA in Port Huron Michigan. This was also a hoot to party and play poker with the fellow dads... Thanks to the wives who put up with are nonsense, and to my wife who finally let me get a GPS. I think I'll get my little bro Matt one since we were lost everywhere we went in B.C.


                                                                                                                                                                                   I am officially  a one year survivor, doesn't sound that impressive but I have to start somewhere. I can still remember the doctor telling me it wasn't good news... "IT'S CANCER" he said. Basically I had 3 to 5 years to live. I remember my wife asking him if I'd be here next year. I didn't say much when he told me... Seriously what do you say when someone tells you have cancer. I said nothing, I sat there stunned! Didn't cry just thought about my girls... Then about my girls more. The first month I was stunned I don't remember much! Lots of thoughts poured through my head, do I have enough life insurance? Will my wife remarry? will my kids cry at night for there daddy? Will the Chemo make me really sick? Will the chemo work? Will my parents be alright? Will my wife be alright? Who's going to cut the grass? Will I die in pain? Is this my last Christmas? Will I ever work again? Am I strong enough? How do I tell my young girls that there dad might die? What's a stem cell transplant? Will we ever be able to have more children? Will I be able to enjoy life again? Why me?

For me things started to change when I gained knowledge. First it was knowledge of my cancer (Follicular Non Hodgkins Lymphoma). I got my first piece of  knowledge from a young gentlemen who had just finished his treatment for my exact cancer in the previous year. Also another young lady that I'd met at the Cancer clinic on my first visit with NHL too, she showed me the ropes that day! Then came Dr Chin-Yee the head of Oncology at LHSC... He explained the disease to me carefully and sympathetically. I trusted him fully. Then came wellsprings a support center in London, with lots of alternative healing techniques. Through wellsprings I found I2Y a support group for people under 40 with cancer. My whole perspective on cancer did a 360 overnight!!! I didn't fear cancer anymore like I had and I was ready for the fight! a fight I now believe I can win! I'm so thankful for modern medicine and the fact that it has put my cancer into remission. But I'm determined that the knowledge I gain will help me live a long full life in my battle against cancer. A cancer like mine has a  high chance of re occurring so I'd be crazy to not explore other options in my fight. So I've empowered myself with a cancer fighting diet, good old fashion sweat and tears, and some good old take care of myself relaxation techniques. But now I'm so tired I must sleep!

Saturday, July 31, 2010

Healing Circle!

The title of my blog is the name of a book I just read . The book given to me by a fellow cancer survivor as a gift. The book is co authored by Dr. Rob Rutledge and Timothy Walker PhD. Rob Rutledge is a Radiation Oncologist, Tim Walker is a Psychotherapist. The book is a great read for anyone who has cancer or a family member with cancer. Everything that I'm trying to accomplish in my cancer journey is talked about in this book. I want to survive for as long as possible! One of the reasons I find this book so interesting is because this is a doctor speaking of alternatives to conventional medicine. Rob refers often throughout the book of Dr. Siegel a surgeon who wrote a book called Love, Medicine and Miracles. In his book he wrote of the "Super Patient!" He was curious why some patients, even ones with terminal illness cured themselves or lived much longer then what doctors predicted they would. What Dr Siegel discovered was that these people empowered themselves with a balance of conventional medicine, diet and exercise, and alternative techniques. The Healing Circle explains these techniques and how to apply them. They take the time to explain how to get the best out of the conventional medical system. Rob a radiation oncologist admits that conventional medicine can only bring us so far. Almost all cancers are still incurable to this day. Basically the book has many amazing stories of people and there cancer journeys. Many who were not giving long to survive and that are now cured or lived much longer then they were expected. It also gives you techniques on how to let you live your life, as opposed to cancer  living your life. To me this is huge, since I've come out of the post cancer shock I've been determined to live my life. It really took me 4 months to come out of the shock and anxiety of my diagnosis and start to relive my life. They speak of diet and exercise as one of the key components to the super patients survival. Although he never speaks of any specific way to eat, he speaks often that these super patients take there diet and exercise seriously, alot of them also using naturopath and homeopath remedies. Well as many of you know that read my blog, the diet and exercise is a lifestyle for me now. This will be for the rest of my life! The naturopath and homeopath techniques are being researched and are on there way soon. I really think it makes sense to incorporate the naturopathic and homeopathic perspective into incurable cancers. What do you have to lose?  The last part of the book explores alternative techniques for example, yoga, tai chi, meditation, reiki. He talks about the importance of these techniques, how they reduce stress and bring a sense of wholeness and inner peace. They know that the body fights cancer better when the bodies relaxed.  How do you relax somebody with cancer? Not easy we're a bunch of freaks... I'm the most calm laid back person I know and I was freaking. So things like Reiki, and yoga were so helpful. When I was going through my chemo I practiced all of the above examples. Yoga in particular helped me so much with relaxation, most notably with my sleeping. After reading this book I realize I need to start back into them. I mean all this is free through wellsprings London, so why wouldn't I take advantage of them. Yoga was my favorite followed by art therapy and reiki, even though I'm shit at art it's very relaxing and therapeutic for me. Throughout the book there are stories of people and there amazing journeys. One that caught my attention was a gentlemen with AML a aggressive type of leukemia. He was in the middle of intense chemo when he had 2 viruses attack his body at the same time. He couldn't eat he was vomiting, convulsing and blacking in out of consciousness. He remembers it got so bad that the doctors and nurses rushed in to shove a feeding tube down his throat. He heard the doctors say to his father this is are only chance to keep him alive. For some reason the were having a heck of a time getting the tube down his throat. He remembers his dad shouting, " have you had enough son?"  Followed by, " give me a sign and I'll make them stop!" Meaning to let him die. He never gave his dad that sign. After he came out of the coma 3 days later he slowly recovered. He's still here today and cured, and using the techniques in the book. To be that close to death and make it, WOW! After I read that I looked at my wife, handed her the book and said, "read this story!" That was the most powerful story in the book. There's a woman with breast cancer who talks about her journey. All I'd have to do is change the name and the type of cancer from her story. Every detail she wrote about was a mirror image of how I felt in my cancer journey. Just how she realized that her cancer would no longer run her life. Very powerful to me! In a nutshell after I read this book I realized that I want to be a super patient. The main reason is because I want to watch my daughters grow up. Another is egotistical, but I want people to say I know that guy and he beat cancer. I want to help other cancer survivors. I want to be a better person, part of that is being more balanced in body, mind and soul. Diet and exercise should be a no brainer for all of us regardless of having cancer or not. So maybe cancer sucks but it certainly doesn't have to ruin my life no matter how much time I have left. I will not let cancer run my life! To myself, 2 little girls, my wife, and all else who love and support me I promise that... That's a promise worth keeping I'd say.


Oh yes to Derek thanks for the tips on the naturopath!

Also To Craig thanks for the link!

Thursday, July 15, 2010

My Check up!

Well today I had my first check up since my last chemo! Other then the 3 and a half hour wait things went well. I asked why they check my blood work even though I'm done my chemo. The reason is there are certain indicators in the blood that can tip him off to whether or not the disease is progressing again. My indicators all came back normal.... thank god! Dr Chin-Yee (super cool doctor) was concerned about my weight loss and questioned me about it. He was comfortable with my answer, which was lots of exercise and proper diet. After all weight loss is a sign that the disease is progressing again. When he seen me 3 months ago I was 255lbs and today I weighed in at 215lbs. That's 40 big ones gone for those of you who don't do the math.  Chin-Yee checked all my lymphnodes like he always does, then at my wife's request he checked my moles. My wife a few checkups ago wanted the doc to recheck my groin... She gets a kick out of watching doctors feeling me up! Moles are good by the way! I'll get her back one day when a beautiful young intern comes in and I'll have her recheck my groin over and over again. I have a friend who has Follicular Non hodgkins lymphoma like myself. She has never been treated for the tumor that has been growing in her neck. It had grown a to a fair size and she had enough and wanted it gone. So they did a CAT scan to determine if she needed chemo or if it could be surgically removed. The CAT scan show no grow in the tumor in 5 yrs and I believe one little spot in the abdomen. So she's having that sucker removed. For those of you who read my blog regularly no that this is not an option for me because my cancer is more spread out. Anyways good luck with the surgery and you are an inspiration! Well got to take my girls to dance, Chow!

Sunday, July 11, 2010

Stupid Cancer!

We had a stupid cancer camping gathering this weekend and it was funtastic. Big thanks goes out to Luke and Donna for organizing the outing. My girls had never been camping so I had no idea what to expect. After a bit of a rough Friday night (Marissa was sick!). Saturday turned into a dreamy day in which the girls truly enjoyed... They grew to love camping this weekend and I couldn't be happier. I quite enjoyed the whole stupid cancer camping thing. To sit by the camp fire was amazing, as well as a few beers and stimulating conversations. Myself and Donna managed to stay up until 3am Saturday night! We outlasted Melissa by 20 minutes or so. We listened to a few snore bears also. Now I thinks it's bed time I am so pooped and special thanks to my mom for camping with us. We were like a couple of stooges setting up that tent!

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Hanging on!

I've spent a lot of time thinking and reflecting since my diagnosis. One thing I've learned is life is short... So I want to leave this piece of advice for my kids! Life is full of ups and downs... Recognize and enjoy the ups. The downs are harder, sometimes all we can do is hold on. But don't hold on for too long! Don't be afraid to let go and step right back out there! When I was diagnosed. I was crushed and all I could do was hold on... I've let go and now I'm pushing forward, it's time to kick ass! I can't be bothered about what might happen to me and let cancer control my life... I still think it's important that I educate myself and go to my check ups that's being responsible for my health. To dwell on what might happen does me no good. Some nights I worry about my kids without a father, but then I let go. I need to enjoy my kids now. One thing I can promise to you girls is we'll continue to have fun... That's why we're camping this weekend!

One thing that is very clear to me about Follicular Non Hodgkin's Lymphoma is it's not curable by modern medicine. Modern medicine has lengthened remissions and stem cell transplants have giving some people so called cures. Dr Chin-yee told me that they declare you cured after 10 years of remission, but it could still come back at anytime. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm not what I call a cure. If you die of something else before you relapse isn't a cure for me either. Because modern medicine can only give me so much and that much I'm thankful for... But as I've mentioned before I decided to attack my cancer with exercise and diet. I decided whether it works or not I'm still much better off with a healthier lifestyle. Not to mention that as a parent it important to show my children the importance of exercising and eating well. I'm now considering going to a naturopath Dr for help with longer remissions or cures. I have to stay open minded especially when modern medicine still has no cure. I've learned of a young woman in Windsor. She was in remission with breast cancer, but it relapsed as stage 4 breast cancer which means your going to die. She went back on the chemo but it couldn't slow the cancer down. She was in such bad shape she couldn't get out bed. Then came the visits from the naturopath, well the tumors are shrinking she now is healthy enough to go grocery shopping. They had a fundraiser for her a few weeks ago so she can continue to use the naturopath, which is expensive and not covered by OHIP. Seriously why are we not combining modern medicine with naturopathic and homepathic techniques. Drug companies are afraid of a cure shitty but true. So I'll try and figure it out myself. I guess you could say I'm " Hanging on".

Monday, June 28, 2010

Back To Work Today!

Today was my first official day back to work, albeit only 2 hrs. I will be broken in slowly for 2 hrs a day for 2 weeks and 4hrs a day for 2 weeks and then into full time hrs again in August. My body feels strong so I have no worries about keeping up. There's part of me that wants to prove to cancer that I can come back stronger then before so Fuck-you cancer. The fact that I won't be able to spend every hour with my daughters is the only downfall about going back to work. On the other hand I wasn't sure 6 months ago If I'd have much longer to live. So all is good on the mental side of things right now. Eating healthy continues as scheduled and kinda has become a hobby of mine, looking for healthy recipes and such. If anyone has some cancer fighting recipes send them along I prefer low fat if possible!

I spent  some time in Windsor and was able to fish with my dad and golf with my sister. Also we had a grade school reunion with my old classmates from St. John Vianney. It was a blast from the past since I haven't seen some of my classmates in 25 yrs. It was great to see all of you!

Health wise nothing to report other then I'm always touching the lymph nodes in my armpits. After all that's where my cancer appeared. Good news is I don't feel anything, bad news is that feeling nothing doesn't tell me shit. Only a CAT scan can tell me if it's growing again. No CAT scan until October, but I do have maintenance chemo July 16th.

Saturday, June 12, 2010

Fun Times!!!

Well I continue on with life almost as normal. I had a fantastic time on my golf trip in Michigan. 5 days of nothing but golf and fun. I tried do drink moderately, but I did manage to over do it Thursday night, which resulted in dry heaves for an hour or so Thursday night. On a lighter note I shot my best round a 74 at Eagle Glen Friday morning. I have to say I struggled Saturday and Sunday and I think it was because I was tired. It showed in my scores 88 on Saturday and 89 Sunday. Which sucked because I was in the seventies the first three days. I guess partying till 2am for a recovering chemo patient was a bit much, especially waking up at 7am. Anyhow it was great to see the guys on the golf trip... These 19 guys were a great support when I was diagnosed with cancer. They didn't cut me any slack on the golf course, no special treatment for cancer boy. I wouldn't have it any other way thanks guys!

As far as work is concerned.... I've decided that June 28th is going to be my return date. I have mixed emotions about going back. I've had the girls all to myself for the last month and it's been the best time of my life. Knowing that I can keep up with a 2yr old and 4yr old everyday as well as doing the house cleaning,laundry, and cooking supper is a fantastic test for work. Actually this is much harder then my job but more rewarding. Daddy loves his girls the love of my life.... On the flip side I'm excited to hang with the guys at work, I've always enjoyed my job and just being with the guys. I don't have to tell you about all they've done for me! With the girls daycare opening up a spot June 28th everything has come together nicely, so it's time to head back to work.


 I was invited by my bosses daughter to shave her head. She was donating her hair for wigs and she raised over a thousand dollars in donations. Before I shaved her head I did a speech on my journey with cancer... My wife said it was good, I can't remember it I was to nervous. Thanks Amanda for inviting me, your contributions are so appreciated.

Medically speaking I don't have much right now, My next appointment is a checkup Thursday July 15th. On the 16th I'll do my maintenance chemo! I'll probably have a date for my next CAT scan on that weekend also.

 Physically I feel strong and well. The healthy eating continues as well as the exercise. I have so much energy it is incredible. 218lbs was my last weigh in, pretty good considering I was a sloppy 254 after chemo in April. I can actually jog on the treadmill for 20 minutes at a time. I couldn't do over a minute when I started. I've almost doubled what I was weight lifting when I started so strength is recovering fast!

 I had another stupid cancer gathering at Chaucers Pub in London and it was fun. It's becoming harder to hang out with my cancer buddies now that I have the girls alone during the week. I try to make it a point to hang with them once a week.

 In August I have camping with the family and my trip to Vancouver!

Saturday, May 29, 2010

Putting life back together!

Well as I journey into the unknown that for me is life after chemo. I realize that I've been blessed with one great gift from god above. That is the gift to not worry about the things I can't control. I was always for the most part good at it but when I discovered I had cancer it was put to it's greatest test. I had a slow start but have learned to give back control to the god above and live life one day at a time. I don't look back or worry much at all about my cancer as much as I thought. I do still acknowledge it and talk about it often. I like talking about it and find it quite therapeutic. I often find myself reflecting back to all the love I received and help from are friends and families. The connections I made in the cancer community with people battling the disease like myself. These are friendships that will last forever and I couldn't be happier. I have a greater appreciation for life in general and greater will to live then ever. Cancer has taken a chunk out of me but I can't ever let it beat me! For me now the future is today and when I wake up tomorrow the future begins again. For this I'm thankful! Tonight I'm headed over to my brother's for a UFC fight!

To update my new lifestyle change as far as exercise and diet! This has went well I continue to exercise and eat well. The most amazing part is how well I've avoided sugar and my body craves sugar. When I reflect back to my eating habits I realized I ate well for the most part. But my worst habits revolved around sugar mostly Coke. I could remember stopping at stores on the way to work to pick up candy, it got to be almost everyday. This was the year before I was diagnosed with the cancer. After I went to the seminar on diet and nutrition and heard the nutritionist speak of how they strongly suspect because cancer cells need lots of energy to survive they therefore thrive of sugar and the quick energy boost it gives them. I guess it sounds crazy that I'm suggesting that my cravings were feeding my cancer but is it really that crazy? On a lighter note, no pun intended, I've lost more weight now and am down to 222 lbs from the whopping 252lbs after chemo... My wife can call me Mc hottie instead of Mc fatty.

Friday, May 21, 2010

Feeling Good!

Well I finally have a second to write about what's going on in my life. I have been feeling great since the chemo has been done. I've been hitting the gym quite frequently and working out almost everyday. I've shrunk my 252 lbs frame down to 228 lbs. All the lost weight has given me a burst of energy that I really need to take care of the girls now that my help is all gone home. My goal is to be in better shape for when I go back to work. I believe I'm already in much better shape then I was when I left. June 28th seems to be the date set for my return to work. I'll go back 2 hrs a day for the 1st 2 weeks then 4hrs a week for 2 weeks then in August I'll return to full time on straight days until Christmas. I've started eating much better since my chemo was done. Mostly plants and nuts with a moderate amount of meat... I've been paranoid of sugar but there has been a few ice creams snuck in there. The first week in June is my golf trip so I'm very pumped to golf with the boys. They've all been a great support since my diagnosis. Kinda a funny story I went over to Fellows Creek golf course in Michigan last week to golf with some of the guys from the golf trip. When we got to the border the border guard was really grilling us hard about why we were crossing today... He asked Lynwood how he got the day off to golf. Lynwood mentioned that he was on midnights and he had to go in later that night. He asked Keith and Keith said he had the day off of work. When he asked me how I got the day off I told him that I finished chemo a month ago and didn't know when I had to return to work! I didn't even finish and he told us to have a nice day! Keith said "boy you shut him up fast didn't you!" Lastly I've booked my trip with my sister to Vancouver In august to see my brother Matt... So this is going to be an exciting summer.

Monday, May 3, 2010

Feeling Good!

Well now that I'm not doing chemo anymore I've started to really concentrate on exercise and diet. Things have been going well since I finished chemo. I went to a lecture by James Mulligan the nutritionist from the London cancer clinic on nutrition. There were a few things that opened my eyes... 30% of cancers are related to poor diet. 30% to related to smoking. One that I didn't find surprising but quite a few of the people did was to not use vitamins or supplements especially if you already have cancer. I had seen a CNN show on vitamins and supplements and how dangerous they can be and how often they are not needed. My diet will be much more natural with more nuts,fruits,and veggies with much less meat. Of course I'll continue on with the exercise which I have been enjoying.

I'm excited for my golf trip in June. It will be a good test for my overall stamina which I think is pretty good. Also just days away from booking a trip to Vancouver so that's exciting. Otherwise I'm ready to take the girls on myself... A big thanks to my parents and Jen's parents for coming down to watch the girls well I recovered from chemo! This meant so much to me mentally especially to be able to rest and go out anytime I wanted to... I'm truly blessed! So I have big plans with the girls over the first part of the summer before I go back to work. These 2 little rascals will keep me quite busy and I'm looking forward to it. Big thanks to everyone who keeps reading and commenting I love those comments.

Mentally I feel great! I'm not the type that dwells on what I've been through. I don't worry so much about relapsing that's out of my control I'll worry about it if or when it ever happens. I live each day like it's my last and I don't sweat the small things as much. This isn't to say things aren't important to me. More then ever some things are more important. Like thanking each and everyone of you that's been there for me and there was a lot of you. Instead I enjoy the little things in life a bit more... Don't worry so much about retirement or money. Don't worry or care what people think of me as much. Try and spend my time with the people I love or doing the things I most enjoy. Also if you didn't get a chance to read the story my sister in law wrote about  I2Y in the London free press I'll link it now.http://www.lfpress.com/news/london/2010/04/23/13698566.html . 
         http://www.lfpress.com/news/london/2010/04/23/13694801.html

This story made me cry because it brought back so much from my diagnosis which for me was the hardest part of cancer. When you have so many unknowns and so many damn questions... It was the first time in my life that I wondered if I'd be around next year. The fear of not seeing the 2 brightest stars in my life Marissa and Mikayla grow up. The fears are less now and the appreciation is so great for what I have and accomplished. The new friends I've met have enlightened me so much and my longtime friends and family have held me up when I needed it. I will continue to write as my journey continues into the maintenance phase of chemo. My next one is in July as well as another in October followed by a CAT scan. So wish me luck as I journey into the unknown. Happy Mother's Day to everyone especially to my Mom who I consider the best Mom ever. Also to my wife the best Mom I could of hoped for my kids... Also my best Mother In Law ever for taking care of me the kids and Jen!!!! She loves it though and will miss us when she returns to work!!!

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Get Ready To Be Confused!

First of all my chemo is done! Tomorrow I start the first phase of maintenance chemo every 3months for 2 yrs. Maintenance chemo is non toxic so I'll be able to continue on with everyday activities. Dr Chin-yee explained me that I only achieved partial remission which at first to me sounded pretty shitty! He then explained that it's partial because the CAT scan still sees something there. He told me if the CAT scan doesn't pick up anything it would of been full remission. This doesn't increase or decrease my chances of relapse significantly he told me. Basically because there something there doesn't mean it's cancer still... But it could be inactive cancer cells hopefully never to grow again. Even when in full remission there is still cancer cells there just not enough for a CAT scan to pick up. He told me Doctors tend to pat themselves on the back when full remission is achieved. He said the reality is we have full remission people walk in 6months later and have relapsed. In a nutshell not a significant increase or decrease in relapses between full and partial remission. He did say slightly better results in full remission. He said his gut reaction is a long remission and who knows with any luck maybe a forever remission. He did assure me Follicular is completely unpredictable and I've figured that out. Now he told me that the reason they treat with CHOP-R chemo in young people is the hope of a cure or a long remission. If they don't get a cure or long remission he assured me I have lots of options available. If I relapse they may consider doing nothing for 2 or 3 years. They could try other chemos and of course the possibility of a stem cell transplant which gives me a 40% chance of cure. So as the doc says we have some bullets in the chamber if we need them. So I feel overwhelmed but upbeat! Hope I didn't confuse you!

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

CAT Scan results tomorrow!

Well Thursday I find out the results of my CAT scan. For all of you that follow you know that if the tumor is shrinking still then I have one more chemo if the tumor is the same then no more chemo. I'm not sure which result I'd prefer. If the tumor is the same then I know the chemo has done as much as it could... If it is still shrinking then I'll wonder if the cancer is still there! So it's a catch 22! Even though my body has handled the chemo well I'm tired of doing chemo and would rather not do anymore. Of course  I'll see the doctors every 3 months for the next 2 years for checkups and maintenance chemo! So yeah for me! The maintenance chemo is non toxic so I should be able to carry on with everyday normal life throughout the maintenance stage. Dare I say I hope the damn thing comes back... Then I'll kick it's ass again!!!

I continue to visit Wellsprings which is a cancer support center in London. I love the art therapy and the yoga the best. I haven't been going to the reiki as much or the theraputic touch. I continue to hang
with all my cancer buddies. Thanks to the Stupid cancer and wellsprings I've met and developed great relationships with people going through the exact same thing I am.... These friendships helped me tremendously throughout my treatment. Thank-you to my parents and in laws who watch my children so I can socialize. I've had a chance to hit  goodlife to workout this week and I've felt amazing because of it. I'm hoping to drop the 30lbs that I've gained in the last 6 months of chemo. Fatty daddy as I call myself. I want to tie my shoes without my head turning red. I've felt so positive lately most likely because I've been feeling so well and the darn weather has been so nice. My next goal is to get a plane ticket to Vancouver in August to visit my brother. I think a trip to see him would be healing you know the mountains and to witness the west coast way of life.  Keep an eye out for this Saturday's London free press I have a small part in a story with young people with cancer! You can look it up online if you don't live in London. The story will shed light on the difficulties of young people with cancer. This story is important because I never realized the road blocks that young people have to deal with once diagnosed with cancer. Simple things like dating,finding a job, having a baby, life insurance, finding support, and many other issues. Funny story that happened to me today I had my personal trainer call to set up an appointment to train with him. He wanted to no when we could setup a date to train. I told him I didn't want to set up anything until tomorrow when I found out if I had to do more chemo on Friday... A long awkward pause came on the other line... I could feel the poor guys horror. So I said I'll call him tomorrow when I know my results. I hope he answers the phone! The day before I was calling for car insurance quotes and one of the agents started going into the need to have life insurance. He pushed a bit harder even after I told him I already had a policy that I was happy with. So I dropped the cancer bomb and end of conversation. So if you want to end a conversation with an insurer just drop the cancer bomb!!!

Saturday, April 10, 2010

I've been so lazy!

I have to say that the last 2 weeks have been exhausting. My youngest brother came from vancouver for easter and that was the big surprise since my parents had no idea. It made for an eventful week. I took the girls to Windsor so we could hang with Matt. Unfortunately Marissa and I caught some stomach flu thing and I spent alot of time in bed... It was nasty and combine that with the chemo it made for some rough days... But all is good now! I think we passed it on to half are poor family! Sorry Guys! I missed the stupid cancer that I was so excited for because I was laid up in  bed all day tuesday.

Well I'm scheduled for the big CAT scan next wednesday. This will tell me of course if I'm done or if I have to do one more chemo. Health wise I feel pretty good my stamina is low but that's to be expected. I have my gym membership and I'd like to start hitting the gym next week and get this pudgy drugged up body in shape. Of course the reality of starting my new cancer fighting diet will start SOON as well as exercise. I need to be in the best shape of my life in case I have to fight the beast again! There's no more excuses as far as I'm concerned my little girls depend on that. It would be nice to grow hair on my body again and of course the possibility of going back to work! I will also be doing a maintenance chemo every three months for 2 years after my last chemo. Of course I will be getting checkups all the time for relapses... As I cruise back into my life after chemo. I wonder what this will be like? I've talked to a lot of people who went through the chemo treatment and so many of them say it's harder going back to normal then going through the actual chemo. They say leaving the comfort zone of the treatment and having someone always watching you can be frightening. When you go back to work everyone thinks well he looks great he must be fine! This just simply is not always the case... I don't know how I'll feel when I get to this point. I'm pretty laid back and I don't dwell to much on what I've been through just looking forward to living every day the best I can from here. I'm so pooped I'm going to bed! Goodnight!

Saturday, March 27, 2010

Chemo 7 Done!

Well I had chemo #7 yesterday and I must say I feel pretty darn good to... Maybe the chemo is going to take it easy on me again and that sounds ok to me... I'm going to put some pics of me from the chemo suite just to give everyone an idea of just how much drugs they put in to me! Which is an awful lot of drugs yuk! Kinda of a neat thing they do at the chemo suite... They have a bell in lobby and when you do your last chemo you get to come out and ring the bell. It was quite surreal and a nice touch because there so many people in lobby and the nurses also follow you out... So DING DING! that's me ringing the bell followed by lots of cheering,clapping,and hugging. I didn't think this would have such an effect on me but I have to admit it made me cry!!! You know alot of things went through my head when the bell rung, but mostly the gratefulness I felt towards those nurses and the love and care they've given to me... Also how sick to my stomach I was when I heard the london health and science center wants to layoff cancer nurses so it could hire another CEO. Disgusting! Our local MP Deb Matthews give your head a shake get down to the cancer clinic watch those nurses save lives!

Thursday, March 25, 2010

To be cured or not to be cured!

That is the question and no one is positive on the answer. Today I went in for my check up with Dr. Chin-yee which was great because I had alot of questions I wanted to ask him. He is the big cheese in oncology the best of the best. Not only that... when you ask him a question he explains in detail why they do things a certain way and gives pros and cons to everything! The appointment started out as they always do I lay down and the doc feels all my lymphnodes throughout my body.... Followed by a series of general overall health questions. This time much like my last appointment they talk about how well the chemo has worked! Then Dr Chin-yee talks about the possibility of a cure!  CURE! I'm confused because I thought there was no such thing. Dr Chin-yee is cautiously optimistic about a cure but shit I'll take it!!! The doc's seem to be more optimistic every time I walk through the door. Realistically if they told me today I was cured I'll still worry everyday about relapsing until the day I die... Of course he talks about the reality of relapsing and that I still have many good treatment options if I do relapse. So today I have a huge burst of confidence in my overall health. Still I have cancer and it may never go away totally. I also pressed him about the possibility of doing a PET scan. This particular scan is and imaging scan like the CAT scan but is a newer technology that supposed to be the new measuring stick for detecting cancerous cells. Dr Chin-yee sat down and explained the pros and cons to the PET scan to me. He didn't believe it was a particularly good scan against follicular NHL especially when you have more then one area of involvement of the lymphnodes which I do... He explained that this is a much better test for Hodgkins lymphoma which is cancer that is localized to the areas where the tumors are found. He told me that they can scan an actively growing cancerous tumor and the PET scan can come back as not cancerous even though the tumor is actively growing. Now he told me if after all the chemo was done and my tumor was still rather large then they would consider doing a PET scan. He said he's been burned twice in his career on PET scans. What he said was the PET scan gave him a false sense of security leading him to treat areas that he said didn't need to be treated... So for my particular case he doesn't feel comforted by a good or bad PET scan result for me... He would rather go with the CAT scan where they physically measure the tumor to see if it is growing or staying the same. After he explained this to me I felt much better. So I'll have another CAT scan in 3 to 4 weeks if my tumor measures the same I'm in remission but if the tumor has shrunk I'll be going in for and 8th and final chemo. He also said that he'll do another CAT scan in 3 or 4 months to make sure I'm in true remission... I also learned that rituximab which is the maintenance drug that they give every 3 months for 2 yrs after chemo. They used to only offer this to grade 1 and 2 NHLers the maintenance drug because studies showed greater distance between relapse but not so much with the grade 3a and b me being 3a. But now they offer the maintenance to grade 3's if I want it because rituximab is non toxic or basically because it doesn't hurt. So it's worth a try I think... I also asked him about radiation for my left over tumor. Once again since I don't have a localized tumor it's not practical to radiate all over my body. If I had one localized tumor then they might radiate... It's a possibility that I could relapse in one area and they might radiate the area that relapsed. So if this is all hard to follow that's ok it's confusing and I read and talk about it everyday with fellow NHLers. Keep in mind there are a million ways to treat Follicular NHL and theories on how to treat it. Treatment is changing so fast that most likely someone diagnosed today would be treated differently then me.

I'm so glad everyone likes the colors of the blog. The slide show has so many more pics but for some reason they're not all showing up I'll have to fix it. Linda you tell mike I'll be at golf with a big smile ready to kick some butt!
Oh and I have chemo tomorrow quite possibly my last one!

Friday, March 19, 2010

I changed my template!

I decided with all this beautiful weather that I'd go with a more spring like blog I hope you all like it! This burst of spring weather and a combination of me feeling so well has really energized me of late. Chemo #7 is just around the corner on March 26th and I hope this is it. I don't have a date yet for my next CAT scan but I should know this by thursday... I also have a stupid cancer gathering coming up on the 30th of march that i'm very much excited for. Also have an exciting surprise coming soon but shhhhhh it's a secret for now!

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Friendship!

 I'd like to devote this blog to my daughters... I want to talk about my views on friendship so they oneday can look back and know what there dad valued. So many of my cancer friends that I've talked to have mentioned that when they were diagnosed with cancer that they had some of there good friends pull away from them... I thought about this for along time and I realized I didn't have one friend of mine pull away! For this I feel lucky! In fact after my diagnosis I kinda reaquainted with alot of my old buddies as the phone calls poured in one after another... Also the newer group of friends that Jen and I have had the honor to hang with since moving to London 10 yrs ago... This group stepped up huge for us after I was diagnosed providing love,support,food, and advice. Of course my work buddies who gave me such generous gifts after I was diagnosed and they still call to check up on me all the time. I feel blessed and thank all of our friends for all your help and support.

I can honestly say that in 38 yrs of living I don't know if there would be more 2 people in my life that I've met that I don't like... There are some people that I don't love to be around alot but I wouldn't say I don't like them. I guess I was given the gift of patience towards my fellow humans. People really have a hard time pissing me off! I remember my dad telling me when I was young that there is 2 sides to every story and for some reason that always stuck for me. I tried not to judge people because of this. To me this is so true sometimes we all act out were not always the best friend. We all have are own fears or skeletons in our closets. Each and everyone of us has hurt are good friends oneway or another... I've never taken being hurt by my friends to personally because they are good people and I believed they never meant to hurt me. I have friends who I don't talk to for over 6months at a time, but when we speak It's like we hung out yesterday we laugh we share stories ask about each others families. I can't tell you how much that means to me to feel no guilt even know it's been tooooo loonngg since we talked. I often think of my gradeschool friends some of who I still speak with today... Of course there's the highschool buddies next and when I think back I find myself laughing my ass off because I had so much fun with all of you guys. God did we do some crazy fun shit back in those days... I remember trying to steal on of those huge party tents out of a park in Belle River at 3am one morning because we had this great idea that we would bring it to grand bend and set it up on the beach... It was a great idea until the OPP showed up. I remember my buddy Claudio falling out of the minivan we were in while it was moving and then we preceeded to run him over after he fell out. He was fine other then a nasty bruise on his leg. I remember fooling a bunch of american girls into believing I was Eric Lindros and then going back to there parents house to sign autographs after I didn't want anything to do with that one but my buddies talked me into it. I remember my buddy Roy made the best Ice tea ever and I still can't duplicate it! I remember a bunch of drunk guys sitting at a campfire crying and telling each other how much we loved each other... These are the kinda things that good friendships bring and there's alot more I just don't type fast enough. Then you move into your adult life and you have your adult friends neighbours,work friends, and all kinds of people you meet. One of my favourites is 4 of us from work went to a cottage for a weekend and we all stripped down and did naked cliff diving, I couldn't stop laughing the whole day... It was kind of a brokeback weekend as one of are wives mentioned. Friends come and sometimes we drift apart for many reasons this is natural are lives get busy... Don't be discouraged because no one can take away the good times so have lots of them. Your true friends are just a phone call away even if it's been over a year... With all these social networking sites it's becoming easier to stay in touch. I was lucky I have alot of friends who have giving me a lifelong worth of memories.

I want to thank everyone for all the great comments on my last blog, Jolaine at Matt glad you guys are here for me. Mom I do hate this fucking cancer too! Bryan and Brenda couldn't do it with out you. Erin I never thought I see someone request more blogging from me on facebook but you proved me wrong so here you go. Jen you and Mark do so much just by helping out on fridays and the lasagna and visits. Jewel ditto back at you girl. Colleen and Chico it's always great to hear what you're up to. Are you guys coming home from florida soon?

Monday, March 8, 2010

Chemo #6 done!

A big thanks to all the comments on the blog again! Colleen as long as the weather is good in florida you should be able to beat Shannon in golf... Erin Happy 30th birthday now that you are an official cougar and yes the 7th will be a breeze. Bev I'm glad it's warming up for you guys it's time to get the bikinis out an tan those bodies lol! Kim you're like my own little personal cheerleader I love it... Baldylocks wrote to me I love your blog and liz's army 2 of my favourites.

Well friday I did my 6th chemo and it went well. My brother Mark came with me to this chemo I'm not sure what he thought of it... I was to much in chemical wash to talk when it was all done. I sleep through most of it now anyhow. Mark and I are only 10 months apart and much like twins have always been by each others sides since birth. I moved to london and he followed me shortly. We both even married Jen's so that's how close we are but not the same one... I think it was hard on him watching his older brother recieving chemo it's no party. It's hard being the oldest and feeling so weak in front of him and my sister and my youngest brother for that matter... I'm supposed to be the wise strong older brother and this cancer can humble you quick! I think when people ask me what's the hardest part of having cancer it's the loss of control you feel you had before you had cancer... the reality is there was no control of my life before cancer! I know that because I could die at anytime with or without cancer and I have no control! I always think of car accidents so many people die in these crazy car accidents and there are so many other ways to go. So when I give up the control to cancer it's easier to deal with but make no mistake about it I've hated every moment of having the shitty disease! Again this is the way I deal with it... I've read so many blogs of people with cancer and we all deal with it differently but each and everyone of us friggin hates the disease but we're all surviving. So now that my tooth infection is gone the docs suspect I'll deal with the chemo much better on my 6th cycle. I still can't believe that I never had a fever through that infection I thouhgt i'd be in the hospital for sure. My blood seems to be recovering from the chemo fast these days within 8 days of my last chemo my blood counts were good and I think that's fast. That's most likely what saved me from spending a few nights in the hospital with infection way to go blood. Man oh man Oct 20 2009 I was diagnosed with the big C it seems like yesterday easily the worst day of my life... But better thing are to come and have been coming now we just got to cure this dam thing or remiss it for ever call it what you want just don't come back!!!

This beautiful weather we've had in the last few days has been awesome! What a pick me up to have this weather so early in march already... I was swinging my golf clubs off the snow covered ground carefully sending snow divots into the nieghbors yards! Hey I got cancer so they won't yell at me right? I so can't wait to golf it's my favourite thing to do other then hanging with the kids and wife.


See you all!

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Well It looks like lucky 7!!!

Well basically I have to do a 7th chemo. It's not that the CAT scan was bad it was quite the oppisite. The CAT scan came back as a very favourable response to chemo! That's good! My lymphnode under my left armpit shrunk from 5.5cm to about 2cm this is good. The nodes in my abdomen that were slighty swollen before chem they didn't even measure becsause they were good. Basically the normal procedure is they do the CAT scan after chemo 4 and whatever your lymphnodes measure after chemo 4 they then use to compare when they measure after chemo 6 if the nodes measure the same after six as they did after 4 then you're considered in remission. Basically when they're sure the chemo won't shrink your nodes anymore you are done. Now since I couldn't get my CAT scan until my 5th chemo I have to do the seventh chemo and do the CAT scan after seventh. If the chemo is still shrinking my nodes after seven then I'll have to do an 8th. They suspect 2cm is about as small as they will get it. Dr. Donahue who I seen today was very thorough and quite positive. She told me they are working towards a CURE for me... This was exciting for me to hear the doc talk with so much enthusiasm. You're not going to hear me argue with such a bold strong statement. So although I'd rather be done after 6 the news has been good so I'll take it and do 7 thank you God!

I just wanted to take a second to thank all of you who read and comment on my blog I love to hear from you all so keep on writing. I did a quick calculation and I have well over a hundred followers on my blog and that's exciting in it's own right. Freinds and family I couldn't do it without your prayers and good wishes. I've been involved so much in the self help groups and met so many people with this crazy diease it's really sad when you think how many of us there are... I have had the pleasure to spend lots of time hanging out with them chatting with them through email even getting my butt kicked in table tennis by one of them. They have helped me sooooooooooooooooo much in understanding my thoughts and feelings and concerns I have. You'd think us cancer survivors wouldn't have such a good humor as we do have. This week I did the art therapy and yoga I missed my Reiki but oh well there is always next week. On march 30th "stupid cancer" is back in london this a group for young people with cancer. We'll be bowling at the palasad it should be amazing like the last one!!! So if you are under 40 and live in southwestern ontario come out and bowl with us or email me and I'll tell you how to get there!!!


Thank you to my 3 girls Jen,Marissa, and Mikayla as long as you're here daddy will fight the fight because life is always worth living. Also you're all so darn cute!!!!!!

Sunday, February 28, 2010

Tooth infection and chemo are no good!

Well on Saturday the 20th of feb I woke up with toothache by the time saturday afternoon nap was over the pain was unbearable. My wife called the emergency dental but they were closing at five and weren't willing to stay late (fucking nice eh!). So off to urgent care I went I waited only an hour or so and they had me in to see a doctor which was good because I heard some people say they had been there over 3 hrs but I did tell the triage nurse I was on chemo so that helped. The doc said he couldn't tell if there was infection but that most likely it was infected. He gave me some Penicillin and tylenol 3's. I filled the prescriptions and started popping pills saturday night. The pain actually worsened by sunday and man I mean constant pain. Monday I had went to my dentist he had a look and said it was an infection and that I had 2 options root canal or remove the tooth. I needed to get the okay from the cancer center doctors to do anything. In the meantime my infection was swelling rather quickly by monday night my face had balooned out. I called the oncall hemotologist but as long as there was no fever they told me to wait it out. Tuesday morning my face was huge but they didn't want me to come in unless I had a fever. Finally after about my fourth call that day with a few from my wife they agreed to have me come in and check my blood. I had my blood taken and then the nurse came out to see me and I could tell she was surprised at my face. 5 mins later the hemotologist was out she took one look at my face and was like you need to be admitted. I was like thats why I've been calling for the last 2 days. She examined me and by then had gotten my bloodwork back which was good already. So now she wasn't so worried out my infection but said it needed to be cleaned up before my next chemo. She sent me to the dental clinic right in the hospital where they examined me. Dr Karla squeezed some of the infection out OUCH! but that did give me immediate relief. I had 2 options a root canal or tooth removal. She told me they recommend the tooth being pulled because a root canal there is a chance that some infection could be left over. Left over infection would be no good and if I started my chemo with some infection left over in my mouth it could explode into my body when my blood counts are down. So I decided no chances and after all it's just a tooth. So on friday they yanked her out.

Otherwise I've been very tired through this last chemo. I've done alot of sleeping which is ok because my body has enjoyed all the sleep. Let's keep are fingers crossed that this will be my final chemo. I'm getting tired of this chemo crap but I'll do what it takes.

I'd like to send my prayers to are friend that lost his mother to cancer last week. I send out my deepest smypathies to you and your family.